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Best healthcare joke ever

Do you know whether heartburn pills are safe for long-term use?

You rarely see the words “healthcare” and “joke” together — except of course figuratively, when we’re talking about certain wellness vendors. And we have never put an actual joke on this blog. However, this one is too good to pass up — and is also exactly what’s wrong with our healthcare system, that Quizzify addresses. [SPOILER ALERT: It’s also a “soft” PG, in case anyone might be offended. To put this in perspective, these wellness vendors are much more offensive…and yet they’re rated G.]


A guy has had these splitting headaches for years. Tried everything but they won’t go away, so he goes to the doctor for a battery of tests. He happily signs up for all of them, because he is fully covered — and he really, really, wants to get rid of these splitting headaches.

The results come back. The doctor says: “According to our tests, there is nothing we can do for you except to remove your testicles. So think it over.”

The guy thinks it over for a few days — two really bad options, but finally decides that getting rid of the headaches is more important. Gets the operation and lo and behold, the pain is gone immediately.

On the way home, he is so happy with his new, pain-free life, that, passing a tailor along the way, he decides to treat himself to a new suit. He goes in, tells the tailor he wants a new suit. The tailor, who’s about 75 years old, looks the guy up and down and says: “42 Long.”

The guy says: “Yes, how’d you know?”

The tailor replies: “I’ve been in this business 55 years. I know all this stuff.”

The guy says: “While I’m at it, I guess I should get a new shirt to go with the suit.”

The tailor looks at him again and says: “Sure. 16 1/2 -34?”

The guy says: “Right again. How’d you know?”

The tailor says: “I’ve been in this business 55 years. I know everything there is to know about fitting men’s clothes.”

The guy gets the suit and the shirt, and then, as he is about to leave, says: “You know, while I’m here, I might as well get some new underwear.”

The tailor looks at him and says: “Sure. 38, right?”

The guy says: “You’re wrong this time. 36.”

The tailor says: “No, you’re definitely a 38.”

The guy says: “Nope. I wear 36.”

The tailor says: “Trust me. You’re a 38. Underwear that’s too tight will squeeze your balls together. You’ll get these splitting headaches.”

In the immortal words of the great philosopher Pat Benatar, hit me with your best shot.

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